the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
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Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.