Boom, boom, ching!
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[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.