“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
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yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Tony Hawk, age 6
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know