“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
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go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*