New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
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uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
✌🏽
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great