@BDGarp

I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.

@BDGarp

Her: Are you even capable of love?

Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.

@BDGarp

Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.

@BDGarp

When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.

@BDGarp

If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.

@BDGarp

I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.

@BDGarp

Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.

@BDGarp

Me: Have fun on your date.

Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?

Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?

@BDGarp

Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?