I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?