Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@BDGarp : I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
@BDGarp: Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
@BDGarp: Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
@BDGarp: When a woman says "WHAT did you just say?" say something different.
@BDGarp: If I saw an elephant in the room, that's ALL I'd be talking about.
@BDGarp: I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
@BDGarp: Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
@BDGarp: Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren't my kid are you?
@BDGarp: Okay, you got me, I'm not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?