I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
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My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL