@BGH70

If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.

@BGH70

My neighbor bought a Corolla, then one appeared in my other neighbor’s driveway.

I’m really starting to worry about this virus…

@BGH70

I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.

@BGH70

Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?

Me: that’s bananas.

@BGH70

Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?

Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

@BGH70

2016: imagine the worst case scenario.

2019: no, not like that, worser

@BGH70

If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.

@BGH70

How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?

With quad-ratic equations.

@BGH70

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…

@BGH70

Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.