I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
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Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.