i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
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Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.