4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
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Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Just a bush.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker