1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
You Might Also Like
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Beware…..
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*