Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
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I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Finally a use for spoilers…
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick