*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
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Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing