911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
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“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing