You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
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Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
me adding lol on a serious message
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave