I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
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My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
how high up are we talkin’?
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?