Log Entry 21: it’s been 3 weeks & we’re still lost in this Macy’s. We were forced to eat Amy. Polo ties are now 40% off.
Don’t dwell on bad things that happened in your past. Focus on the terrible things that’ll happen tomorrow.
Some people might find a grown man talking to himself strange, & it’s probably the couple sitting next to me.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
“He’s still sleeping.”
Burger King’s slogan “Have It Your Way” was shortened from “Are You Sure You Wanna Eat This? Ok. Have It Your Way”.
It won’t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It’ll be me laughing at an inappropriate time.
This woman at the bar said “move, you’re blocking the door” & I’m like strange pickup line but sure here’s my number.
This beautiful woman is winking at me. Now she’s using the other eye. Never mind, she’s just falling asleep.
Salads don’t kill people. People who eat salads kill people.
Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpes. Laugh all you want. You’ll still have herpes.