WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
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Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
For the baby who has everything
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
guilty
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.