look at me when i’m typing to you
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Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.