As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
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Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms