[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
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On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”