I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
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If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart