My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
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I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
the #horror is real!
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.