It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
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Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge