“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
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me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
My wife gives the best headache.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.