@Bagyants

If you love something, let it go. From the creators of “If you’re tired, go for a run,” and “If you’re on fire, eat bees”

@Bagyants

All police should quit, just to teach us a lesson. We’ll beg them to beat and gas us, but they’ll be like nope, you didn’t appreciate it

@Bagyants

MSNBC: Racist gets what he deserves!

FOX: What’s next, thought crimes?

CNN: If you stare at your hand for a long time it will look weird

@Bagyants

It’s convenient for my password security needs that my mother’s maiden name is Waffles4%

@Bagyants

My gangster name would be The Street. If someone dared to oppose me I’d say ominous things like “Look both ways before you cross The Street”

@Bagyants

The term “Expecting a baby” implies uncertainty. Like we’re almost sure it’s a baby, but could also be a bushel of potatoes, who knows

@Bagyants

Power Rangers taught me that the way to solve a problem is to pose in front of it aggressively until it explodes

@Bagyants

“What a nut job” I exclaimed, on my first day as President of Almonds

@Bagyants

Student loans: because you should know what it’s like to be one of the poor people you’re always going on about

@Bagyants

I don’t know, the friend zone sounds like a cool place with pizza and laser tag