being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
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GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.