I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
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I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
sigh
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.