I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
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Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*