Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
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I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
The “research” scene in every horror movie
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.