Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
You Might Also Like
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.