My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
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me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
The Backseat Boys
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT