*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
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guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.