On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
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My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
choose your gary
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”