Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
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Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.