Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
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I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS