Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I like long walks away from everyone
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn’t trust us
You know your driving really sucks when your GPS says “After 300 yards, stop and let me out”
If the tv show “Cops” has taught me anything, it’s to stay away from ppl with blurry faces. They always cause trouble.
I just found out I passed my drug test…. Which means my dealer has some explaining to do.