@BareChesty

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

@BareChesty

I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction

@BareChesty

Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning

@BareChesty

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

@BareChesty

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

@BareChesty

You know your driving really sucks when your GPS says “After 300 yards, stop and let me out”

@BareChesty

If the tv show “Cops” has taught me anything, it’s to stay away from ppl with blurry faces. They always cause trouble.

@BareChesty

I just found out I passed my drug test…. Which means my dealer has some explaining to do.