I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
You Might Also Like
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?