Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
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“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.