My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
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Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
#titanic
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.