@BastardProphet

I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.

@BastardProphet

I get my first covid shot on Wednesday. I really hope Bill Gates can read my thoughts after because I’m still mad about Windows Vista.

@BastardProphet

“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12

@BastardProphet

My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.

@BastardProphet

When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.

@BastardProphet

Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.

@BastardProphet

I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.

@BastardProphet

You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.

@BastardProphet

Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”