Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@BastardProphet : I'm getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn't the one who's supposed to be crying during our sessions.
@BastardProphet: You might be "street-smart" but you're "everywhere-else-stupid".
@BastardProphet: Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, "Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?"
@BastardProphet: Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as "the nakey mistakey".
@BastardProphet: I'm in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, "In your face, poop". Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
@BastardProphet: 9yo: Dad, how come you're so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
@BastardProphet: "This isn't my first rodeo." He said, confidently. "Now help me get on this pointy cow."
@BastardProphet: I'm so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it's drunk. It's texting its ex.
@BastardProphet: Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets' nest?
@BastardProphet: 90% of parenting, is saying different variations of "We don't eat waffles with our feet".