Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of BastardProphet's best tweets

@BastardProphet : I'm getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn't the one who's supposed to be crying during our sessions.

@BastardProphet: You might be "street-smart" but you're "everywhere-else-stupid".

@BastardProphet: Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, "Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?"

@BastardProphet: Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as "the nakey mistakey".

@BastardProphet: I'm in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, "In your face, poop". Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.

@BastardProphet: 9yo: Dad, how come you're so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?

Me: Go to your room.

@BastardProphet: "This isn't my first rodeo." He said, confidently. "Now help me get on this pointy cow."

@BastardProphet: I'm so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it's drunk. It's texting its ex.

@BastardProphet: Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.

Her: Will you please just spray the hornets' nest?

Me: K.

@BastardProphet: 90% of parenting, is saying different variations of "We don't eat waffles with our feet".