@BastardProphet

My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.

@BastardProphet

When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.

@BastardProphet

Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.

@BastardProphet

I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.

@BastardProphet

You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.

@BastardProphet

Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”

@BastardProphet

I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.

@BastardProphet

9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?

Me: Go to your room.

@BastardProphet

“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”