@BatBatshitcrazy

I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.

@BatBatshitcrazy

Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.

@BatBatshitcrazy

Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.

@BatBatshitcrazy

I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.

@BatBatshitcrazy

The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.

@BatBatshitcrazy

I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.

@BatBatshitcrazy

I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler

@BatBatshitcrazy

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.