Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
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wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
(Gaming support cat.)
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
sensitive skin
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.