Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
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Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Potatoes were such a good idea
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Got him!
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”