[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
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I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.