Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
You Might Also Like
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
If you love someone, let them tweet.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Okay me first
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Accurate
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake