What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
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I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels