Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
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What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
nature’s most graceful animal
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you