I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
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I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
*lint rolls you awake*
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body